Manners

By Geri Copitch, guest blogger

I’m always surprised when someone compliments me on my sons’ manners. “Josh is such a polite young man,” or “We’re always glad to have Ethan over, he’s so polite!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted to hear that my children use their manners, somewhere. But really, what did they do that was so special?

When I’ve asked these parents they’ve said things like, “He thanked me for having him over.” or “He always says ‘please.’” Wow, to me that all seems pretty basic! Didn’t we all learn to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’? Don’t parents still teach these basic words to their children? Apparently not.

I was tutoring a pre-teen not too long ago, and before we started he turned to his mom and demanded, “Get me a glass of water.” What surprised me almost as much as his lack of common courtesy, was that his mom didn’t say anything about the way he spoke to her - but went and got the glass of water! And let me assure you, she’s not a meek parent who tries to avoid confrontation.

Then again, all one has to do is listen to how many parents speak to their kids.

Take out the garbage.

Get me the paper.

Go brush your teeth.

Do your homework now!

They converse with their children in barked out demands. Now you may be asking why this should matter, after all, they’re adults, and kids are supposed to do what adults tell them. It matters because your kids learn an awful lot by watching what you’re doing. All you have to do is watch your little girl play with her dolls and you’ll hear your words come out of her mouth. Or watch your little boy use a blanket as a cape and fly around like his favorite super hero. Children imitate what they see and hear going on around them. This process is called modeling.

Modeling is a powerful learning tool. Teachers use it all the time to teach new skills. If we want our children to use ‘good manners’ we have to show them how to use these manners. Some parents feel that they lose authority with their children if they use the word ‘please’, as in “Please take out the garbage.” Why would you lose anything? You’re still the parent. Some parents argue, “But if I ask, David might say ‘no’!” Yep, he might, and then you’ll have to deal with the issue of why he won’t do his part to help out the family.

We are asking our children to participate in being part of our family. They will do what they want to do, regardless of how you ask them to get the job done. That’s human nature. But along the way we can teach them how nice caring people, like you, get their needs met. And the social niceties of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ go a long way in smoothing the way. If you want polite children, you have to model politeness, day after day. Your children are listening.

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Parenting as a Caretaker Versus Caregiver

By Philip Copitch, Ph.D.

I confess, I have a pet peeve. A little something that really bothers me. In fact, it bothers me more than it probably should. Which, I guess is the definition of a pet peeve. My pet peeve is parents who are caretakers versus caregivers. Please allow me to vent. A caretaker is a person who makes sure that their charge is taken care of. Their charge is well fed and protected. But the relationship tends to be superficial. A caregiver is a person who sees the whole child. The caregiver makes sure that the child’s needs are met but, that is only the beginning. The caregiver opens themselves to a true emotional relationship with the child, the ups and the downs. The caregiver takes the chance to feel the whole spectrum of emotions. The joy and the sorrow. The caregiver puts their needs on hold for a moment and focuses on the other. For the time they are together, the child knows, at their core, that they are very important to the caregiver. They know that they, as an individual, count.

Don’t confuse caregiver with giving. A caregiver is not all giving. This is not the materialistic form of giving. It is an emotional form of giving. Caregivers keep the big picture in mind. The word “no” is very easy for them to say. The caregiver focuses on the child’s needs, what is best for the child.

I once was fortunate to observe a very minor interaction that illustrates care giving quite well. When my oldest son, Ethan, was in second grade we went to visit his mother at school where she was a new second grade teacher. While we were helping decorate mom’s new classroom another second grade teacher popped in to say hi. Mrs. McCarthy was a 49 year veteran of the elementary school. That’s right, she had taught school since the invention of the printing press.

A few minutes later Mrs. McCarthy asked Ethan if he would help her carry some paper. As they walked out of the room Mrs. McCarthy said softly to Ethan, “Teach me your name.” This request caught my attention. This veteran teacher was asking this little boy to teach her.

Later, as we were driving home, I asked Ethan what he thought about mom’s new classroom. He said, “It’s OK, Mrs. McCarthy thinks I’m great!” “How do you know?” I inquired. “I just do,” he continued, “She likes me.”

In just a few moments, Mrs. McCarthy was able to impart to Ethan that he was important, that he was lovable. This is care giving. Letting your children know, at the core of their being, that they are lovable and special to you is the cornerstone of their self esteem.

Excerpted from: Basic Parenting 101: The manual your child should have been born with

Procrastination

By Philip Copitch, Ph.D.

I bet that procrastination is the most common way people hold themselves back. The word comes from the Latin roots for toward tomorrow. The problem is that when we procrastinate, tomorrow leads to the next day, which leads to the next day. Days become weeks and before you know it, life passes you by. 

Procrastination means: To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness. Put simply, procrastination is a choice. 

A Chinese proverb says, The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now. It may be an old Chinese saying, but it still works for today. A new American saying could be, The best time to buy milk is before you need it. Not as classy but accurate. So, the next time you’re feeling pressure over your stuff ask yourself, “Wouldn’t it have felt good to have had this stuff done yesterday?”

Over the years I have asked lots of people about their procrastination. What I learned is that most people put off stuff they don’t like. Wow! We don’t want to start what we don’t like. Yep. We avoid discomfort. This was discussed earlier when I advocated for you to leave your comfort zone to create the life you want. You have to confront little discomforts to defeat procrastination. 

I have a few suggestions about how to kick procrastination’s ass. First, recognize it. You have to be aware of your tendency towards procrastination to realize that it is controlling you. Once you notice procrastination’s retched breath, you will find the following head games helpful:

Do the worst first: When you have tasks that you must do but don’t want to, do the worst task first. This makes the process feel easier. It’s very hard to keep going if the job gets even worse. It is easier to stay motivated if the job gets a little better. Remember, your perception counts.

Make a game out of it: Find a way to put some fun into the crappy job. Set up a way to play with yourself (hey, clean your mind up and stick with me here!). Time yourself, attack the job sideways, add music. Be creative. Laugh in the face of despair. Joke with the toilet as you clean it. Humor helps us to get through many a shitty task.

For a lot of people, setting a deadline for themselves is a game that brings rewards. “I’ll get this done by 4:15 if it kills me!” It is self-talk that is motivating. 

Add a reward: Pat yourself on the back for your hard work. If it’s a beautiful day and you can’t stand that you’re stuck inside, reward yourself with a walk around the block after you get half your work done. I know a business tycoon who rewards himself with five minutes of shooting hoops after he completes an undesirable task. Keep the reward simple and low calorie. If you get a candy bar after each undesirable task, you will be five hundred pounds in no time. I find that physical activity works well for most people. Walk, hoops, or juggle to help relieve life’s tensions. Again, be creative. 

Start: Lots of people spend so much time getting ready to start that the project doubles. If Stephen King can make millions of dollars writing in his laundry room, you should be able to kick ass with your cool stuff. I once watched my sister prepare all afternoon for a date that took two and a half hours. Four hours of prep for two and a half hours of date. Life’s too short. It’s like taking off a band-aid, just rip the damn thing off, feel the pain for a moment, then go on with your life. Slowly peeling a band-aid off lets you feel it for minutes versus seconds. As the sneaker ads tell ya: Just Do It!

You can never finish a task if you don’t ever start. Life rewards action. You have to complete a task to reap rewards. 

Total Void: There are areas in our daily lives where we can become totally void of thought. In these Total Void zones we will find ourselves staring off into the ether with little sign of life registering on our faces. When this occurs it is easy to have thirty minutes quickly turn into three hours. In Total Void our mind is being occupied by random thoughts of nothing. Like a black hole in outer space, the Total Void takes thought into it and never lets it escape. It warps time and space while sucking the life out of its victims. No light can escape a black hole, and no time can be retrieved from a Total Void. 

There are many types of Total Voids in the known universe. The most common is the TV. I once played with the knob on the side marked brightness but the programming didn’t get any smarter. For lots of people the TV is the kiss of death for creativity and the fertilizer in the garden of procrastination. My advice is to be fearful of the TV. It can suck the life out of you. But, at the same time, I like TV. What a conundrum. My advice—plan your viewing. Turn on the TV just before the show you want to watch starts and (this part is hard) turn the dumb thing off the instant the show ends. Karl Marx said, “Religion ... is the opium of the people.” To which I say, “TV is the marijuana.” You should even beware of “educational” television. Do you really need to watch a show about the mating rituals of the fruit fly at 2:00 AM? Not if you will be tired tomorrow and frustrated that you are behind in something significantly more important to your real life than fly humping (unless you’re a horny fruit fly, that is. If so watch on!).

The second Total Void is drugs, with alcohol and pot being the most common avoidance tools. Most people find that drugs and task completion don’t go together. I’m told regularly something like, “I work better a little buzzed.” My observations of life, along with all the brain research I have studied, disagree with that contention.

A third Total Void is small talk. Lots of people use small talk and gossip to fill their lives versus improving their lives with accomplishments. When I worked at County Mental Health earlier in my career, I was amazed how many people showed up to work at 8:00 AM to visit, drink coffee, fix their makeup, eat a donut, complain about their weight, and gossip about others who were not present. Then around 9:15 they started work. These same individuals were quick to bitch about their hefty work load at every opportunity. I have heard similar stories from numerous types of businesses across America. I would guess that there are billions of dollars in lost productivity in our nation’s workplaces because of small talk and coffee.

In the area of Total Void, everyone has to decide for themselves what is more important to them—life accomplishments or avoiding life. I’m very liberal minded, it’s your life ... what ya gonna do?

Excerpted from my book: Life's Laws for New Adults

Visit Dr. Copitch's web site

Action Counts! Life Rewards Calculated Risk

By Philip Copitch, Ph.D.

Life rewards calculated risk

Richard was a nine-year veteran of a midsized police department. He consulted with me because he was unsatisfied in his work. As it turned out, he loved being a police officer, but he found that he was frustrated in his attempts to get a promotion.

“I keep missing the sergeant’s exam.” He explained.

“You didn’t pass?” I asked.

“No, I keep missing the deadline to get my paperwork in so I can take the exam. No matter what I try, I don’t seem able to get the file together so I can get it in on time.”

Dr Phil: Try to pick up the cushion next to you.

Richard: What?

Dr Phil: Please, just humor me. Try to pick up the cushion.

Richard easily picked up the cushion.

Dr Phil: No Richard, I asked you to try to pick up the cushion.

Richard: What, I just did.

Dr Phil: I know you did it, but I asked you to try to pick it up.

Richard played his part and tried to pick up the cushion. He grasped it, and while making a strained face, pretended to be unable to pick it up.

Dr Phil: My point is that you either pick it up or you don’t. Try is simply a word adults use to give themselves permission to fail.

Richard: Fail?

Dr Phil: Sure. You failed to turn in the exam application didn’t you?

Richard: Yeah, but not on purpose. I just ran out of time. Between work and the kids and coaching… I can’t do everything!

Dr Phil: I understand that you have a lot on your plate, but by using the word try, you are giving yourself permission to fail. You either do it or you don’t. Try means you didn’t do it.

We need to judge ourselves by our behavior. We need to judge others by their behavior. Actions count. Intentions are merely thoughts. 

I should be a multi-billionaire. That’s right, billionaire — with a “B.” The reason is because I invented the Frisbee when I was four or five years old and picnicking with my family at a park. I took a paper plate off the table and winged it with all my might. It was amazing. It flew! I had just invented the Frisbee. My mother was not impressed with my aeronautical skills and growled at me to stop making a mess. This scared me so much that I ran off whimpering. The newly invented Frisbee was lost in the confusion of my mind. So, if the truth were told, it is my mom’s fault that I am not a multi-billionaire. Years later, some guy named, uh, Wham-o I guess, wasn’t traumatized by his mother and went on to market a flying disc. He is probably a multi-billionaire. 

I think it is a fair assumption that if I happened to meet Mr. Wham-o one day he would not recognize my accomplishments. I suppose he would not share his wealth with me, the true (kind of) inventor. He would probably point out that if I really was the inventor I should have patented my idea. Then I should have developed the plastic molds. I should have figured out the packaging, marketing, and the distribution of my product. I did none of that. I simply whimpered off into the poor house of obscurity.

I once heard an inventor talk about the difficulty of getting a product to market. He said, “The ideas are easy, I have them all the time. The hard part is getting others to back you with cold hard cash so you can bring the ideas to the marketplace.”

The same is true in most parts of an individual’s life. I have heard it a million times (at least). “I was going to…” You know what I’m talking about, the Indian tribes: the Shouldas, the Couldas, and the Wouldas. “I should have…” “I could have…” “I would have…” Probably the three leading openings of the excuse sentence are: 

“I should have applied for that promotion.”

“I could have invented that.”

“I would have done a better job than Bob.”

Other common excuse sentence starters…

“I meant to…”

“I was going to…”

“I forgot…”

“I didn’t know how to start…”

“I would have done it but…”

The road of life is paved with good intentions.

Any favorites of your own?

The list is huge. We love to let ourselves off the hook if we do not accomplish. Excuse making is an international pastime. I am very strict on this subject with myself. Either I did it, or I didn’t do it. I am on time, or I am late. No excuses. If I am late, I messed up. It wasn’t traffic or anything else. It was my lack of awareness or self-understanding. I am responsible for my life. I take this responsibility seriously.

Are you responsible for your life? Do you take your responsibilities seriously? 

I am frequently told by parents,  “My child doesn’t act his age.” The key word in this sentence is the word act. Act is the root of the word action. Life is action. We are judged by our completed actions. You either do or you don’t. Do is an action, Didn’t Do is an inaction. Inaction is nothing. You are judged not by your intentions, but by your results. If someone runs into your car, do you care that he intended to stop? I doubt it. You judge the person by his action. (Using your car as a brake!) If your friend told you that she would pay back your loan by the end of the month so you could pay rent, does it help you pay rent if she meant to pay the loan? We are all judged by our actions. 

“What have you done for me lately?” is the real world. If you are on time for work sixty-seven times in a row, great. But when you’re late, does anyone really care about your sixty-seven wins? Probably not. Would your landlord care that your friend really did mean to pay you back? Or, does the landlord judge you by your actions (You didn’t pay your rent on time and you loaned his money to some idiot who didn’t pay you back).

If a condom works, do you really think about it much? Probably not. You just lie there thinking about how good you are in bed. But, if a condom breaks you are suddenly very attentive. Wow, you’re a lot like your parents or your landlord, always focusing on the lack of appropriate action and complaining about it. 


Excerpted from my book: Change: How to bring real change to your life


Go to Dr Copitch's web site

You Are 100% Responsible For Dealing With Your Life

By Philip Copitch, Ph.D.

You are 100% responsible for dealing with your life

Over the years, my belief that we are all 100% responsible for our behaviors has produced predictable arguments from the adults I work with. On the surface, people are comfortable with this rule, as long as they read 100% as 93% or 97%. So let me make this clear, you are 100% responsible for how you deal with your life. 

Mr. Griffith was a thirty-two year old father of three. He was arrested on December 24, for fighting in a hotel bar. When I talked with him in the jail’s interview room he looked as if he lost the fight. He held ice to his swollen face and complained of loose teeth. 

Mr. Griffith: It’s not fair! I’m told that I have to stay in this $#%&^ place until after Christmas. 

Dr. Phil: Sounds unpleasant, but how come you asked to see a therapist?

Mr. Griffith: I want you to tell them that they are #$%$^ing with my kids. It’s not fair to my kids that they can’t be with their dad on Christmas. 

The point that Mr. Griffith didn’t enjoy hearing was that he was blaming “them” for ruining his children’s Christmas. The reality was that he was 100% responsible for getting arrested, and his behaviors lead to him not being available to spend Christmas with his children.

Taking 100% responsibility for dealing with your life is hard. It is multifaceted. Often it is a pain in the neck. It would be much easier if you just got to blame others.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines responsibility as:

Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one’s own, and therefore answerable for one’s behavior.

So, if you don’t get the promotion you desire, you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it. If your spouse walks out on you, you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it. If your children are hard to live with, you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it. If your car gets stolen, you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it. 

At this point some smart individual likes to throw me a zinger. “You mean if a girl gets raped, or my mother gets shot by a gang banger, they’re responsible?”

I say yes! You are always 100% responsible for how you deal with it. Read on...

Responsibility does not mean blame

Responsibility is a person’s accountability. My friend, Sally, who I have known since high school, called all in a dither. “Phil you have to help me … I have to lose 28 pounds by next Saturday!” 

“What?” I questioned.

“I have to lose 28 pounds by next Saturday!” She whined. “I have to. My college reunion is next Saturday.”

“Sally you can’t lose that much by next Saturday.” I said.

“I know, I know. But it’s not fair. I’ve got to lose this baby weight.”

“Baby weight, are you…?”

“Of course not, it’s all Michael’s fault.”

“What? Michael, your Michael?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s all his fault, I put on this weight with him.” She snarled.

“That makes no sense, Michael’s 28, how can you blame him?” I asked.

“It’s all his fault… that was a hard pregnancy.”

Sally did not want to take any responsibility for her problem. 

Let’s look at this in a more serious situation. Stephanie was molested when she was six years old. She didn’t tell anyone because her uncle was the molester. She was very confused and blamed herself for many years. She came to my office when she was twenty-four years of age. She had recently told the man she loved that she could not marry him. But, she could not tell him the reason why. Stephanie was afraid to have sex. This was not a huge problem while she was dating. Both of them were saving themselves for marriage. But she knew that she could not go on a honeymoon. You can’t save yourself for marriage after you say “I do.” At that point you have to “do.” It took a lot of courage for Stephanie to reach out for help. 

Over the course of a year, Stephanie worked very hard in therapy to combat her fears. During our last session, I asked her to sum up her therapy experience.

I learned that my uncle was to blame for betraying my trust in him, and that I was not responsible for being a victim at the age of six. But, I am responsible now if I feel like a six year old victim at the age of twenty-five. 

After a long pause she continued. 

I also know that if I let my life get ruined because of my past that would be my fault. I am 100% responsible for how I deal with my life! I want a family. I deserve a family. And, I’m looking forward to getting pregnant.

We both cried with joy because we both knew that she was a powerful woman who understood personal responsibility.

You are 100% responsible for dealing with how others treat you

Most people assume that they have little, if any, control over how others treat them. I believe the opposite to be true. I believe that you are 100% responsible for dealing with how others treat you. That doesn’t mean that you have 100% control of how others act. It simply means that you are responsible for how you deal with how they act towards you.

Recently, a friend and I went out for our normal late Tuesday night dinner. Usually, the restaurant is almost empty. This particular night, the place was a mad house. It was packed with fire fighters just off the fire lines thirty miles away. The two waitresses were running all over, frantically trying to get the loud, hungry mass fed. 

The bus boy noticed us and said he would clean a table for us in a few minutes. My friend and I sat reading the menu. He said, “We’re never getting served today!”

“It’ll be OK,” I said.

When the waitress made her way to our table she looked like she had been put through a blender. Her hair was a mess, her little purple decorative apron was stained, and she seemed all jittery.

“Wow, you seem to be really overworked tonight. Are you OK?” I inquired.

“Hungry ... rude ... fire fighters,” She gasped. “They all want steak at the same time.” She wiped her brow with her forearm. 

She told us that since four o’clock the place had been packed with hungry fire fighters. The kitchen was not set up for cooking this many steaks at one time, and two waitresses were not enough.

“It sounds unfair how you’re being treated. When you have a minute for me let me know.” I said.

“No, it’s OK. What do you want? I’ll get it for you. I don’t care if they starve!” She said with a smile.

We were taken care of very well. The reason was because I treated the waitress with respect and empathy. I let her feel like a nice person, and she subsequently acted towards me like a nice person. I’m sure that she was choosing to treat my table nicely, because she surely had no trouble growling at the loud table in the far corner. 

As you go through your world you need to take responsibility for getting your needs met. If I were grumpy with the overworked waitress she would have seen me as one of the loud mass of humanity that filled her restaurant. But, recognizing that she was being put upon by her situation let her see me as a nice guy she wanted to feed. We both won. She felt appreciated and I got fed.


Excerpted from my book: Change: How to bring real change to your life


Go to Dr Copitch's web site

Your Behavior is Judged Not by Your Intentions, But by Your Results

By Philip Copitch, Ph.D.

I should be a multi-billionaire. That’s right, billionaire — with a “B.” The reason I should be a billionaire is because I invented the Frisbee when I was four or five years old and picnicking with my family at a park. I took a paper plate off the table and winged it with all my might. It was amazing. It flew! I had just invented the Frisbee. My mother was not impressed with my aeronautical skills and growled at me to stop making a mess. This scared me so much that I ran off whimpering. The newly invented Frisbee was lost in the confusion of my mind. So, if the truth be told, it is my mom’s fault that I am not a multi-billionaire. Years later, some guy named, uh, Wham-o I guess, wasn’t traumatized by his mother and went on to market a flying disc. He is probably a multi-billionaire. 

I think it is a fair assumption that if I happened to meet Mr. Wham-o one day he would not recognize my accomplishments. I suppose he would not share his wealth with me, the true (kind of) inventor. He would probably point out that if I really was the inventor I should have patented my idea. Then I should have developed the plastic molds. I should have figured out the packaging, marketing, and the distribution of my product. I did none of that. I simply whimpered off into the poor house of obscurity.

I once heard an inventor talk about the difficulty of getting a product to market. He said, “The ideas are easy, I have them all the time. The hard part is getting others to back you with cold hard cash so you can bring the ideas to the marketplace.”

The same is true in most parts of an individual’s life. I have heard it a million times (at least). “I was going to ....” You know what I’m talking about, the Indian tribes: the Shouldas, the Couldas, and the Wouldas. “I should have ...” “I could have ...” “I would have ...” Probably the three leading openings of the excuse sentence. 

“The road of life is paved with good intentions.”

“I meant to ...”

“I was going to ...”

“I forgot ...”

“I didn’t know how to start ...”

“I would have done it but ...”

The list is huge. We love to let ourselves off the hook if we do not accomplish. Excuse making is an international pastime. I am very strict on this subject with myself. Either I did it, or I didn’t do it. I am on time, or I am late. No excuses. If I am late, I messed up. It wasn’t traffic or anything else. It was my lack of awareness or self understanding. I am responsible for my life. I take this responsibility seriously.

Are you responsible for your life? Do you take your responsibilities seriously? 

I am frequently told by parents,  “My child doesn’t act his age.” The key word in this sentence is the word act. The root of the word action. Life is action. We are judged by our completed actions. You either do or you don’t. Do is an action, Didn’t Do is an inaction. An inaction is a nothing. You are judged not by your intentions, but by your results. If someone runs into your car, do you care that he intended to stop? I doubt it. You judge the person by his action. (Using your car as a brake!) If your friend told you that she would pay back your loan by the end of the month so you could pay rent, does it help you pay rent if she meant to? We are all judged by our actions. 

“What have you done for me lately?” is the real world. If you come home on time sixty seven times in a row, great. When you’re late, does anyone really care about your sixty seven wins? Probably not. Would your landlord care that your friend really did mean to pay you back? Or, does the landlord judge you by your actions (You don’t pay your rent on time and you loaned his money to some idiot who didn’t pay you back).


Excerpted from my book: Life's Laws for New Adults


Go to Dr Copitch's web site

Is Tutoring Right For My Child?

Guest Blogger: Geri Copitch, 18 Year Veteran Educator.

School is back in session, at least here in California, and in the next few weeks parents will be coming in and asking me if tutoring is right for their child. Perhaps a better question is, “What are the benefits of tutoring?” or “What should I expect my child to get out of having a tutor?”

First and foremost, tutoring should help your child gain the confidence and skills to realize that they can be successful in school, which will translate to feelings of being able to be successful in life. Now, don’t misunderstand my last point. I’m not talking about success as measured by wealth (though that may be a benefit) but rather success as an adult in the workplace, in his relationships, and his quality of life.

Tutoring gives your child personalized attention that a teacher, no matter how acclaimed, can’t do in a classroom of 20, 30, 40 students. A good tutor develops a personal relationship with your child, helping him to feel safe to ask the ‘stupid’ questions he was too embarrassed, or shy to ask in class; or afraid to ask mom or dad for fear of disappointing them. 

A tutor can tailor her instruction to your child’s needs and perhaps find a different way to approach an area your child is struggling with. She is able to give encouragement and praise as he tackles previously overwhelming or intimidating subjects. As your child’s knowledge and understanding of a previously difficult subject increases, his self-esteem and confidence will increase. With each new success, your child’s attitude about school and about his own abilities will increase.

Good versus bad tutoring

Good tutoring encourages self directed learning. Depending on your child’s needs, a tutor can help teach your child new study skills: skills they will be able to use throughout their education.  A tutor who helps a struggling student master new skills is a good one, one who does the child’s work for them so they don’t have to push themselves is a bad one. According to the first line in the National Tutoring Association’s ethics code, “I understand that my role as a tutor is to never do the student’s work for him or her.” (http://www.ntatutor.com/code_of_ethics.htm)

So, back to the initial question: how do you know if tutoring is right for your child? Some cues can be that your child becomes increasingly reluctant to go to school, you notice his grades dropping, there is a loss of interest in learning - often seen as an “I don’t care” attitude, especially among teenagers, he spends hours on his homework but seems to be getting little done, is easily frustrated with his homework, or his self esteem seems to be dropping.  

Tutoring should not be used to boost a parent’s ego when comparing their child to their friend’s children, other children in your child’s class, or even other children across the nation. Tutoring will not raise your child’s SAT scores by 300 points, but it will put your child on a path to success.

What can you expect to pay for a tutor? In my area you can hire a high school student for $15 to $20 an hour, an adult - often a former teacher or classroom aide - will run about $20 to $40 an hour. Nationally the average is $45 to $65 an hour according to Mr. Pines of the Education Industry Association. In New York City one can expect to pay $85 to $150 for a reasonably priced tutor, and up to $400 an hour for the higher priced tutors. (Looking at Tutors as an Investment www.nytimes.com/2010/08/21) As you can see prices vary widely by area.

Probably the best ways to find a tutor are to ask your child’s teacher, the office staff at your child’s school (these people can be a wealth of information), or even ask around among your friends. Listen to what they have to say. Why did they think this person was worth recommending? Keep in mind that what was important to your neighbor, may not be important to you and your child. Remember, your child’s tutor needs to be able to form a relationship with your child where he will feel safe to take academic ‘risks’ -  a professional friendship of sorts.

If you see your child beginning to struggle, seek help early, before he gets too far behind. There is nothing shameful about seeking out help for your child. Some parents worry that it reflects poorly on them or their child, but as I see it, it proves that you care for your child and want what’s best for him today, tomorrow, and in his future. After all, isn’t success in school and life what all parents want for their children?


Go to Dr Copitch's web site