What are negative emotions and rough handling of their infants

Dr. Phil,

I learn a lot from your blog and I have read your parenting book. I read your blog Aggressive Behavior in Toddlers, but I do not know what you mean by "negative emotions towards their infants and rough handling of their infants."

Thanks, Lilly, S.F. CA

Great question, Lilly, thanks.

Yesterday I was at lunch, looking forward to reading the latest gadget article for all things Apple computer. A few tables over I observed a mom and grandmother eating lunch with a 3 year old and an 18 month old. What I observed were "negative emotions towards their infants and rough handling of their infants."

The three year old was in a high chair reaching and grabbing as the food came to the table.  As he strained to reach for a french fry, his mom gently slapped his hand and said, "I told you in the car if you can't be a good boy you're going to get a spanking."

Over the next 15 minutes, while I finished my lunch, I observed the mom and the grandmother talking to each other in a friendly manner. When either adult was interrupted by a child, they growled softly at the child and said stern things to them.

"Stop doing that, you're acting like a little snot."
"You never listen to me."
"You're being a brat."

The 3 year old seemed unaware of anything the adults were saying. He seemed used to it. I saw his hand get gently slapped 5 times. Of note I did not see either adult talk to or with the children only at the children.

Over time, I can see how this type of parenting can lead to these children showing aggressive behaviors in school.

What is the Single Biggest "Gift" We Can Give Our Children?

Hold on. Take a minute to think about this question. If you could give one and only one gift to your child, what would it be? Would you give your child financial riches? Would you give her beauty? Would you give him intelligence? If you could give only one thing that would give your child a leg up in life, what would it be? 

I frequently read in the newspaper about the movie star who finds fame and fortune, only to end up in a drug treatment hospital. Or, the business money mogul who has three ex-wives and a few estranged children. We have heard of generals indicted for being stupid, presidents shamed into retirement, or the religious leaders who lead two different life-styles.

So, what is the best thing we can give our children? What “gift” can help a child in good and bad times? What one “gift” will help our children to avoid the horrors of drugs, stay level headed when good times roll in and keep perspective during life’s pitfalls?

I propose that the best gift a parent can give a child is the home environment that allows their child to build a high self esteem. Research has shown us that children who possess a healthy self esteem deal with life in the safest ways.

If we as parents help our children to build a strong self esteem we give them the best internal tool to deal with their world. With the internal awareness of their own self worth, our children interact with the world with inner contentment and self assuredness. The side effect of our children having high self esteem is that they view the world through this high self esteem. As I will discuss later, high self esteem is an emotional force field protecting our children in the chaos we call life.

How is self esteem built?

Let’s start off by defining what we are talking about. Self esteem goes by many names. Some call it self worth, others self-confidence. The high brow academic set use words like, “the sense of self “ or “ego identity.” Shakespeare said it best, “A rose, is a rose, is a rose,” or something like that. The reality is that we all know what high self esteem or low self esteem look like, but it is hard to put it into words. 

In a nut shell, self esteem is the internal belief we hold about ourselves. What makes it hard to understand and put into words is that it is ever changing. We hold different internal beliefs about our abilities dependent on the situation. 

For example, my five year old son informed me that he couldn’t pick up a hat in the side yard because of spiders. He hadn’t seen any spiders but he was obviously uncomfortable. When he was reminded that he had touched spiders before, he said, “Yeah, but that spider was not hiding to get me!” Is this a self esteem issue? In a way. If, at five, Joshua felt comfortable enough within himself to handle the fears that he pictured, I would not have had to pick up the hat. But, is it a self esteem problem? Definitely not. Josh was not saying to himself, “I’m not able to pick up the hat.” He was saying, “I’m afraid of spiders hiding under the hat and attacking me.” Often parents confuse low self esteem with fear.

The internal belief we hold about ourselves is somewhat situational. Your child may feel that she is the best baseball player since Babe Ruth, but be uncomfortable about joining the team because she doesn’t know any of the other players. When we talk about self esteem, it is important to listen to the child’s words. If we focus too much on the child’s behavior we often miss the true picture.

So, when we talk about self esteem we are really talking about the internal balance of our beliefs of self worth. 

When we are born we enter the world with a personal makeup. This personal makeup is usually called our temperament. The newborn interacts with his world through his temperament. 

Newborns seem to be “pre-wired” to investigate their world. Part of their temperament is to investigate and eventually build relationships with their new world. 

Infant research has shown that newborns have the ability to “interact” with their caregivers from the first moments of birth. Their eyes are developed enough to focus on their mother’s face during the first breast feedings. Infants are able to smell and remember their caregivers.

The individual’s temperament is influential in the formation of the feeling of self worth. We take this sense of self with us throughout our life. For example, a sixty year old can truly say that they are the same, but still a different person than they were when they were six. Our feelings of self worth are with us for a lifetime.

Visit Dr. Copitch's website          excerpted from my book: Basic Parenting 101

How do you build your own self-esteem?

The simple answer is you control your environment. No matter where you are on the self-esteem continuum, low, medium or high, you build your self-steam by controlling the situations around you.

Who do you spend most of your time with? Are they good for you? Do you feed yourself a consistent diet of healthful thought? Do you read good uplifting books? Do you listen to uplifting music? Do you treat others well? Are you kind? Are you respectful?

What materials are in your world for you to build your self-esteem with? You have choices, are you making them? Who are you letting influence you?

Over the years, many amazing individuals have influenced me in a positive way. As an example, let me tell you about one such person, Dr. Jeffrey Smith. I was fortunate to take a course in graduate school from Jeffrey Smith, a celebrated psychologist and long time professor at Stanford University. When I showed up to my first class I had no idea who the instructor was. He arrived a few minutes before class was scheduled to begin and very slowly walked to a chair at the front of the room. He sat slowly. He spoke softly. He explained that he was an old man. He had a terminal disease and he hoped to be alive long enough to teach this 18 week course. He apologized for his frailty. He explained that he would understand if anyone would like to transfer to another instructor. He spoke about looking forward to meeting all of us young people. (Most were in their thirties.)

Dr. Smith captivated the class. It was obvious to us that he wanted to die as he lived, a teacher. He let us know that we were special to him, that his world had greater meaning because we were a part of it.

Dr. Smith allowed us to experience his love. Soon after the course ended, Dr. Smith died. His wife mailed us our final exams. Until the end, Dr. Smith taught. He took the time to write a note on each final exam. My note was hard to read. The hand that penned it was weak. He wrote, “I like to think of you, by contrast, with your strong, positive spirit, working with children, Jeffrey”

I tucked Dr. Smith’s belief in me into to my self-esteem nest. I have often thought about how honored I felt being in his class, and when I teach, I wish to emulate Dr. Smith’s love and respect for his students.

Excerpted from my book: Change: How to Bring Real Change to Your Life

Visit Dr Copitch's web site